I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
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We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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