you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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