You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.