I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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