I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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