Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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