plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
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Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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