I'm so fucking centered right now
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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