im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Bring me that man meat
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
