Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
