sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
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My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
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You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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