Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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