An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my being single is dangerous.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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