I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
