I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
