I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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