There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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