I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize