false alarm. still invincible.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
