ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
