My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
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It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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