mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
