Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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