Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
