They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
