My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights