I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
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It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona