New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.