if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
