Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
