Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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