so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
