eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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