help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
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i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
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The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"