What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.