when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
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Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
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