I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
