we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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