So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
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You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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