you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars