I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
