I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
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I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.