I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
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Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.