bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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