Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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