We're like a lot better than the average bears
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
