Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.