Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...