Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
