I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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