I accidentally burped into my bong.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
