if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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