Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.