just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....