So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.