be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"