4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
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Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
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second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?